I'm feeling sorry for myself all the time, and GOD how am I annoying. I must be driving everyone I know CRAAAAZY. They're all so sweet, telling me that I don't need to be so hard on myself, but I won't listen. I'm starting to hate myself, again. I'm going to a party thingy tonight. Nothing fansy, just some friends meeting up to have fun and say goodbye. You don't even have to dress up. And I got stressed because I couldn't find anything to wear. I couldn't find anything, so here I am, feeling sorry for myself because I can't look nice in anything. OH LOOK. There it was again. The selfpity. I hate selfpity, and I go on and on about it all the time, and now it's me. Being selfpityous. I'm pretty sure it's even selfpity to omplain about it, so I don't even wonna go on.
I actually wanted to write a post about how bad I am at everything and how ugly I look. But that's even more selfpity than this. Oh my god, Anko stop yourself :CCCC
Please?
I don't really know why this is happening... Because I know that I'm going to move away from my friends very soon, or because my mom and dad are divorcing, and everything being really wierd at home, with my dad drinking at night, and my mom driving me crazy. Am I selfpitying again? Oh god I can't stop... I'm going to totally ruin that party.
I'm going to england with Nalle again this summer, and I'm REALLY looking forward to it. The only thin is, I'm afraid that I might annoy the living crap out of her, and we'll lose our friendship. I'd kill myself if that happened.
I know, that if I ever told this to any of my friends(who probably is gonna read this anyway x'D Sorry if I offend any of you guys!) they would deny everything and tell me it's not true, but I have a feeling it's not true. If I annoy myself, why shouldn't I annoy everybody else? I think I'm trying too hard, to maintain our friendship, and that might makes me act wierd.... I dunno...
I just wanted to get some of those stupid thoughts out of my head for a little while. Now I'm going to empty my head, and try to get in the mood of a party.sigh...

I was the only one who didn't pass... The only fucking one. The only one who failed. I'm the only failure. I got a big fat ZERO.
I worked to fucking hard for NOTHING. I was the only one who pulled a topic I couldn't do... I just failed. I disapointed, my mother, my whole family, an worst of all myself.

Thinking....

I've been thinking for a while now. It's been a long time since I've been on here writing down my feelings. Alot happened since the "Thanks..." post. My parrents are getting a divorce. I've been going through a hatred for myself. I'm afraid of loosing my friends more than ever before. Which leads me to why I'm writing this. I've been watching Glee for a while now, and I know this sounds stupid, but it helps me through everything. It helps me clear off my mind, and not think about all the bad stuff thats happening. I'm really watching in hard. And I came across a funeral in the series, and it caught me thinking. When someone in a school dies, all of the classmates shows up at their funeral. So what if someone in my class died? Would I cry? Yes, of course I would, but would the tears be meaningful? Would they show how much of a loss, and how much pain I'm going through? No. I don't think so. Of course I would be sad. But I'd get over it pretty darn fast.
But then, what if Mie or Nalle died? I wouldn't be able to stand from all the crying. I would cling to Nalle the whole time if Mie died, and I would cling to Mie if Nalle died. And I would really have a hard time letting go if them again. And I would be down a long time after. And I kind of hope, that they'd do the same if I died.
I really, really love those guys. They mean everything to me. And I'm so sad, having to leave them for Copenhagen. There's not really much that I can do about it, I just hope that we'll be able to keep contact. With the guys too. ...I have nothing to write now. I've lost insperation. I'll post something else another day..

...Thanks.

I know this might be overreacting a bit but still. I need you there, and you turn me down. If you got just a little sense of other peoples feelings you know why too.
I love you, and will always, but sometimes I feel like, you only wonna do the things you wonna do, for yourself, and never for me. Both of you, actually.
You are one of my best friends, and I need your support in some things, just like you need mine. I've helped and supported you countless of times. I've never really gotten anything in return, have I? No. Even though I constantly say good things about your stuff, you never say anything more than "cool" to my stuff... Even though I'm actually PROUD of it. And want my friends to be too.
I love you. I really do, and I'd never complain about this to your face, but I'm really tired of it. Really. Tired.
If you know who you are think about why I want you to be there. Just think.
Please?

Religion ......

It's been  a long time since I posted anything last, and I was looking at some "quotes" and stumpled over:


"God only puts you through things he knows you can handle, so when live is hard it is because God knows you kan handle it"


and

"I know one person, who will never let me go. God"


And it made me think of, how much I hate this "God". And how much I hate "Religion". What's the use for it? I mean, fine! If you wonna believe in God, then do it. But why start a group that says: "Believe in God! Our God! Because God loves all, but if you don't believe in him, we'll kill you and he'll hate you!" instead of keeping that kind of scary shit to yourself?
To be honest, it scared me a little. Religion I mean. Especially the Christians...
The way everything they do becomes an almost demonic obsession and that God told them to do it.
If God excist he's a psycho ass bastard who thinks he's greater than anybody else and who makes people do the stupidest things. God loves you my ass.
Funny, how much this hatred against anything religious has grown since I was a little girl. When I was a little girl I did believe in God. And I loved God. I even praid once in a while.
The years went by and I began carring less and less about this God person. When the time og being Confirmed was here, I told everybody "Yes. I do believe in God." but didn't mean it. I did it for the party and the gifts. Of course I could've just choosen a Non-firmation, but I wanted to be in a church. I've always loved churches. They're pretty. But being inside one always makes me nervous. I have no idea why.
Anyway,
I went ahead becoming a Wiccan. I liked the way, it was so different from any other religion and how there was no rules to follow. I mean, of course there were rules, but it was nowhere as extreme as any other religion. And for once I actually looked up to the God. I think one of the things I liked the most about was that one of the most important things in Wicca was The Goddess. A female. Finally a female "headmaster". But the interrest quickly died down, as I got new interrests.
And since then I've just carried a hatred that has grown and grown inside of me, to such extremes that everytime I hear someone say "I love god" or "God protects you" I feel disgusted. I hate him. I hate it.
God wont fucking protect you or love you, because God doesn't care about you, because God doesn't excist. You're on your own, and the only persons to protect you and love you is the ones you love, and yourself.
Human is selfish. I've always thought so. No matter how hard you try, you can't do something for one another without thinking to yourself "What will I get out, of doing this?" and that's why you can't do something for God.
"I did it for God." great excuse. Won't give you any help in real life. But if you wonna believe in that, FINE. Do it. Just don't drag me into it.
....

Happy! At last!

I'm feeling really happy today!
I made up with my self this morning that I'd stop being depressed and start being happy again. So the first thing I did, when I came to school was to start a non-awkward convesation with Mie. I was happy, even though she seemed a little off... I don't know..
Anyway,
I went on like that all day, but sometimes I felt like I was pushed away, which made me feel a bit sad. I tried to think of something else, and luckily it went away quickly.
It hasn't been a fantasticly good day or anything, but for the first time in a while, I feel like I can talk to people again, and that makes me very happy.
Over an out people! Have a nice day. <3
:D

Depression.

I've been thinking of this for quite a while, and I think I might be going through a depression. I've read about the symptoms on the internet, and it fits pretty well.
The symptoms are:

• You're constantly sad, and you cry for no reason.
• You're voice is low.
• The way you stand is very slumped down.
  

There is a few more, but those three is the one who fits to me, the best. Ever since new year, when I rejected this boy who apearently liked me, I've been feeling down. Not as much as now though.
He told me that he liked me, new years eve where I invited him over, and I said - because of the curse alcohol - "Alright! Let's give it a chance!" and kissed him. The second after I regretted it The next day I asked him to leave early, cuz' I was tired. Which I weren't. I just wanted to get him out of my house and leave me alone, cuz' he was really going near. Of course, since I practically said yes to going out the day before. So he left, and I wasn't online at all until very late that night. Of course, when I finally logged on he wrote me and asked, if I even ment what I said yesterday. I said no. I told him that I wasn't interrested  at all. And when he asked me to be 100% honest, I told him in 100% honesty; "It disgusts me, to think of us two together." and realized that it was a huge mistake to be that honest.
He got really sad, and said that he wanted to hate me, for what I did, but he just couldn't. That did it for me. I broke down crying and cried for two days straight. I felt so bad for hurting him. I hate hurtigt people. I hate it. I can't take it at all. But I did, and there was no way back.
Finally after two days, I decided to meet up with Mie, for a trip to copenhagen. It cheered me up very much, except for the fact that we were tired as hell after 3 hours of sleep.
After that, I felt like I normally do. I was happy, and laughed with my friends, right until my mom told me; "We're moving back to copenhagen." I didn't want that. In fact. That was the thing I least wanted. But no way out. Mom had spoken. Since then I've been very mad at her, and I didn't really want to talk to her. We fought alot, because all of the sudden I spoke back to her. And she got mad. Also. She kept telling me stuff I didn't want to hear. "Of course you'll lose you're freinds over here. But you'll get new ones." of course I'll lose my friends...Thanks. That's just what I wanted to hear.
Anyway,
I mostly ignorred it and kept going talking to my friends, and pretending to be all happy. I don't like talking about my problems cuz' I know how annoying it can be. Sometimes I feel, like the person nobody cares about, but uses to drop off their problems. But I know that my friends cares about me. And I love them for that. Even though. I feel like I'm loosing alot of friends because of this depressiong feeling. I've lost my ability to just talk to people. I've gotten shy again. Or... Not shy. But I don't know what to say. In the past I tried to be funny, and I was good at getting peoples attention, but I can't do that now. I have a really hard time, talking randomly to people I don't know. it annoys me, because that's kinda how I survived, in life.
Also I feel like, theres something wrong with one of my friends ... Everyday after school she gets really quiet but when we ask her if anythings wrong she says no. She's one of my closest friends, and I'm afraid to lose her. I have this horrible feeling that she hates me, or is mad at me, but I'm not sure if it's true or if it's just me.
All of this makes me feel so ... depressed and I walk around with this horrible feeling in my stomach, all the time.
I'm mad all the time, and I snap at people. I hate what I have become, and I just want things to go back to the way they were.
Please? Let me just live my normal live, like I've always done. Not this. Pretty please?

I don't want a depression, no one does.
It'll ruin my life. Definatily. For sure.
I don't want my life ruined again. To build it all up. Again.
Please don't break me again. .